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What is the one thing I wish I had known before stepping into parenthood?

It is realizing how much generational trauma affects parenting.

Like many others, I simply did not want to repeat the same mistakes from my own childhood when it came to raising my children. The reality is that most of us still end up repeating the same patterns without even realizing it. The behaviours we learned in childhood are often perceived as normal because they were deeply rooted early on.

How can we recognize these patterns as harmful when they have become normalized within the family?

It wasn’t until I became a mother myself that I realized that some of these ingrained behaviours might not be as beneficial as I once thought. This realization struck me during a recent incident with my 18-month-old son.

We went to an indoor playgroup near our apartment on a Sunday afternoon. A friend joined us, and I sensed my son’s unease with the presence of a new face beside Mama. Although he knows the playgroup well, with all its toys, he hesitated this time. I handed him a bobby car to comfort him, and he slowly settled onto it.

Just when he felt a bit more comfortable, and I could finally chat with my friend, a boy ran towards him and pushed him. My son was sitting there, frozen, seeming not to realize what just happened. The boy’s mom immediately came to me and apologized. I went to my son, checked on him, and reassured him that he was okay. My friend and I decided to change the setting and get coffee outside while my boy played on the stairs with his favourite car.

Not two minutes later, the same boy who had pushed him grabbed his car and ran away. That is when he started breathing heavily and burst into tears. I went to him, providing comfort, but then I said, ‘Why didn’t you defend your toy? Next time, you should push him back.’

I found myself blaming him for an incident he had no control over. Later that day, as I shared the incident with my husband, he questioned my reaction.

This one situation brought me back to my own childhood and how I was raised.

Culture and Contradiction

As a child growing up in a Chinese immigrant household, there were not many boundaries or rules set up. My family left Cambodia in the ’70s due to war and started all over again in Germany, a foreign country. It was all about survival—ensuring enough food, keeping the family safe, and striving for financial stability- that was all that mattered.

My mom owned an Asian shop and later a Chinese restaurant, operating it as a family business. If you were a ‘restaurant kid,’ as I like to call it, you knew what childhood looked like—spending most evenings in the restaurant, waiting for your family to finish for the day so you could finally go home, finding activities to occupy yourself while there. For me, it was always reading and drawing.

My mom was always busy with work, and without a husband, my sister and I were raised by her and our aunts. Certain things were allowed, while others were absolutely forbidden. In our case, it was to focus on education, avoiding drugs, and do not dare to date a foreigner/non-Chinese (yes, guilty of that).

Like many Chinese families, effective communication and emotional expression are not their strongest attributes. Many aspects of my childhood were left unexplained—my parents’ divorce, family arguments about finances, and my sister’s decision to leave home at 18, among others. As a child, you attempt to make sense of these things. I was just expected to be a ‘good’ and resilient girl without causing unnecessary drama.

How did these experiences from my childhood and the parenting style impact me?

The Four Parenting Styles

In my research on parenting styles, I came across four main types, as defined by Diana Baumrind in the ’60s and ’70s—Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive, and later the Uninvolved style introduced by researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin.

The way I was raised was a blend of authoritarian, permissive, and uninvolved styles with elements of tiger parenting. Due to my mom’s limited time from work, she could not be as involved in my life as she might have wanted. Still, the expectation to focus on education and have a good job later was high. Obedience was a core expectation in our Asian household, coupled with the high standards inherent in Chinese culture.

From a young age, I learned to navigate different roles— the good and submissive daughter in family gatherings and the wild, rebellious Asian girl who partied at night. If I needed emotional support, I would mostly keep it for myself.

The authoritarian parenting I grew up with instilled in me a constant need for external validation. I am kind of anxious and hesitant to do anything until I get an “OK” from someone else. Despite believing in my own thoughts, I sometimes struggle to trust them fully. At the same time, I resent authority figures and react passive-aggressively when I disagree with them.

However, I also learned to be independent and tough at a young age—how to build inner strength and resilience for life’s challenge. Growing up, I craved the possibility of having open communication with my family—a space where I could express myself without fear of judgment or dismissal.

This is the environment I want to create for my son—to offer understanding rather than immediate criticism or rejection of his thoughts and behaviour.

Reflecting on my own experiences, I recognize the importance of empathy and validation in nurturing emotional well-being. Instead of assigning blame, I aim to validate my son’s emotions, provide explanations, and show empathy—acknowledging his individuality and learning process.

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Breaking the Cycle

The blog is not about blaming your childhood and resenting your parents for how they raised you. While we may have inherited positive and negative traits from our parents, our focus often gravitates towards the bad ones. And, especially if you have kids, those personality traits show up the most. Breaking the cycle of generational trauma involves intentional efforts and self-reflection.

How can we start this transformative process?

• Awareness:

The first step to change is admitting there is something wrong. Acknowledging the potential impact of generational trauma on your life and parenting is crucial. Reflecting on my son’s experience, I realized I was mirroring behaviours from my own upbringing—downplaying emotions and expecting strength. However, I want my son to feel secure expressing his feelings. Understanding the influence of my words and actions on him empowers me to make positive changes.

• Reflection:

Taking time to reflect on your parenting style and identifying similarities with how you were raised is essential. Think about any intergenerational patterns or traits that you may have inherited from your family. Are there family patterns you want to break for your own kids? Conversely, what positive aspects from your family history do you want to pass on?

• Forgiveness:

Work towards forgiveness, both for yourself and for previous generations. Understand that the parents were often doing their best with the resources and knowledge available to them at the time.

Looking back, I understand my mom’s behaviour now. As a single mom, she was overwhelmed with her two daughters and the family restaurant. Exhausted from work and focusing on keeping her daughters safe and secure was her only priority. And like most Asian families, mental health and open conversations about emotions are not how they grew up. It was just about surviving. Understanding this perspective allows me to release blame towards my family. I grew up being loved, that is for sure. Still, there are a lot of things I will do differently.   

In today’s world, we have many more options, tools, and diverse role models for parenting guidance. The goal isn’t perfection but learning from our mistakes and focusing on creating a supportive and nurturing environment for your own family. Breaking the cycle of generational trauma is an ongoing process, and it’s never too late to initiate change.

How has your own childhood shaped the way you parent today?