jutheblog

The anticipation is building with the holiday season and Christmas approaching in about two months. It is that time when families gather, creating cosy moments filled with love, delicious food, board games, movies, and the joy of exchanging gifts. While for some, it is the best time of the year, for others, it can bring some deep-rooted traumas.

The reality is that not all families get along perfectly. Holiday gatherings can sometimes intensify existing tensions, which is especially true for dysfunctional families, where Christmas may become a day when anxieties surface despite our best efforts to put on a happy facade.

Personally, I never really enjoyed the Christmas holidays. When I was younger, my family owned a restaurant, and as any restaurant owner knows, the holiday season is the busiest time of the year. While others celebrated at home, we had a big self-cooked dinner in the restaurant after closure. When I turned 18, and my family decided to sell the restaurant. It was my mom’s first break from work, and we had a ‘real’ Christmas celebration at home, complete with a tree and family gatherings.

However, I had already distanced myself when we owned the restaurant, creating my own safe space in my head, mainly through reading and going partying with my best friend. Looking back, it was due to loneliness and the longing for an idealized Christmas family gathering I saw in the media.

Things became more challenging when I left my hometown at 24 for my first job. I started to create my own identity and make my own choices, which is a difficult endeavour when you grow up in an Asian household. Our family dynamics changed a lot, and my relationship with my mom is something I will cover in a longer blog.

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For those of us carrying traumas and unresolved conflicts with family members, the Christmas holiday can be a source of fear. During those intense times, I tend to absorb the energy of my surroundings, and when I sense tension in the room, anxiety and an unsettling feeling result.

Also, a strange melancholy feeling creeps in during Christmas as I realize another year is ending. I feel pressured to appreciate every moment, unsure when we will see each other again.

Things have changed since I became a mom. As a parent to a 15-month-old son,  I am reevaluating how I want Christmas to be for him. Do I want him to experience the holidays as I did? And also, if it wasn’t for my son. Why not do things differently this time?

These reflections encouraged me to find ways to make Christmas more enjoyable:

• Take a Break When Needed: Christmas usually reunites the whole family, but reconnecting with them after living abroad can be bittersweet. People back home might be surprised by how much you have changed. Comments like, ‘Wow, you’re so different now,’ do not always have a positive tone. These words might trigger you if your experiences abroad have shaped you while many stayed the same. When I get triggered, I do not dive into the conversation. It doesn’t mean avoiding conflicts but rather focusing on meaningful conversations with people I care about.

• Create Me Times and Routines: Defining small routines is important for feeling grounded and not exhausted by those big gatherings. Whether it is a morning walk or 10 minutes of journaling, these tiny rituals can ground you. With kids, these times can be overwhelming due to new people and all the excitement (not to mention sugar). Maintaining routines is essential with our baby boy, like sticking to his nap times, bath time, and outdoor activities. Flexibility is also necessary, and it is okay to go with the flow sometimes.

• Focus on Real Connection: Most likely, there is one person you get along with these days. Stick to that person, build a bond and get to know each other better. My cousins and sister are quite board game fanatics super competitive, and it is always a great time to enjoy traditional games and laugh together. Also, it is a great time to bond with my cousins again, who also live abroad and have their challenges.

• Appreciate the Small Things: There must be at least one thing you enjoy during those holidays. Whether it is the food, movies, gifts, conversations with your favourite uncle,  or simply dressing up again, find joy. For me, bonding with my mom while cooking and learning new recipes nurtures our relationship. Sharing these experiences is invaluable, especially since I no longer live at home.

I have left the high expectations and the once-idealized vision of a perfect Christmas family gathering. It just needs to be okay for me. Christmas holiday is a great time to come together, relax, enjoy and have a beautiful closure to the year.

Remember, in the end, it is only your behaviour and response you are in control of. Maybe this year is the first time to use that power. How do you envision your Christmas in 2023?